My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
