Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I touched a dick in church today
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
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