well I can't set my house on fire every night
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
