Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
