I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
