The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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