Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I love you. Go after that dick
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
