The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
