Cold hands, warm shart.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
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