my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
