Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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