End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
