I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
