I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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