An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
