i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
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