thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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