Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
