My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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