My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Randomize
