my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
