We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
You dont lie about slip and slides
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies