i just had sex bonerless
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
