I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
