The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
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