Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
