If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Why is your signature on my underwear?
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
Randomize
