I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
she told me id be a great addition to their lesbian community and shes giving me sex eyes from across the room. come get me NOW
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