If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
