My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize