I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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