God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
