if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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