I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
