Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
