Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
