I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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