im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
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My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
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This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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