i think my mom watched the whole time
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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