Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
