Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
