Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
