Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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