You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
