How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
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Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
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I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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