Your face is a jimmy john
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Randomize