Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
Randomize
