i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's never too late to be topless.
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Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
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I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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