there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
