The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Randomize
