Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
where are you?
Hypothermia
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
