I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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